


I forgot to pray for the  angels and the angels forgot to pray for us

by sal_paradise



Category: Once Upon A Time In Hollywood (2019)
Genre: Boys In Love, Death Fic, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mourning, cancer mention, jay and sharon are the best, loving flashbacks, seriously if it's not your jam it's not a trick, sharon and cliff are besties, thanks tarantino fucking not, this fucking broke me, till the end, titanic mention, you weird little goblin man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24491440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sal_paradise/pseuds/sal_paradise
Summary: This  is the  end... my only  friend the end ~ Jim  Morrisonwhat the end of the road looks like for a stuntman and his  actor
Relationships: Cliff Booth/Rick Dalton
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	I forgot to pray for the  angels and the angels forgot to pray for us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wildglitterwolf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildglitterwolf/gifts).



> for wildglitterwolf  
> this took me forever... this took me awhile to get a handle of
> 
> so this is a look at the end between these two boys, in love. My Sharon and Jay are based off the movie version.  
>  This is based on the fact Tarantino released the death dates and causes for the boys  
> Why...  
> 
> 
> Well, you know that I love to live with you  
> But you make me forget so very much  
> I forget to pray for the angels  
> And then the angels forget to pray for us  
> Now so long, Marianne  
> It's time that we began to laugh  
> And cry and cry and laugh about it all again  
> We met when we were almost young  
> Deep in the green lilac park  
> You held on to me like I was a crucifix  
> As we went kneeling through the dark ~ so long marianne- Leonard Cohen
> 
> Now the day bleeds  
> Into nightfall  
> And you're not here  
> To get me through it all  
> I let my guard down  
> And then you pulled the rug  
> I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved~ Lewis capaldi - someone you loved

Cliff knew.

Cliff always knew what death had felt like. After all, they were ol’ buddies. Death had stalked Cliff his whole life- If Cliff had been a blue’s man he would have wailed about it, like Robert Johnson did hellhounds...but no…

Death was a constant in his life- it stalked him and Cliff? Cliff had a few close calls but it never got to fully sink its claws into him.

Death wasn't picky though, it knew how to hurt Cliff; he knew that morning when he woke up something was wrong,Cliff had always been a light sleeper but that night he had slept like the dead, as he awoke his bod protested as it often did- his hip ached from phantom pains of a bygone era...

Yet, things couldn’t be too terrible. He was curled around the love of his life- it was a place of peace and quiet and happiness.

Lying beside Rick Dalton was all he ever wanted all he had ever needed.

As Cliff nuzzled into the other man he tried to shake what felt off, “morning lover” he purred.

Usually that would have gotten the actor flustered and made him blush- but there was nothing. The form did not budge huddled up as if protecting itself.

“Darlin’ what’s wrong?”

The feeling of unease grew and ate at Cliff as he brushed Rick’s hair from his eyes;he looked at peace, Rick always looked like an angel in sleep- truly at ease, content where he was, but as Cliff grazed his cheek he found how cold he was to the touch.

“Rick- Darlin’?”

Nothing.

Cliff felt like the floor was threatening to swallow him whole- he could feel his heart start to pick up speed- something was very, very, wrong.

“Beautiful I-” It was then the other man realized how quiet it was- how quiet the room was- how quiet his partner was…

Slowly, ever so slowly Cliff rested his hand on the other man’s chest. He feels nothing- there’s no rise and fall, there's no stuttering breath. There’s nothing.

He’s gone.

Rick Dalton is-

_ Fuck no. _

Cliff’s mind is running a million miles a minute

_ No, no, no, no,no, no fuck no. It’ cant be fucking no _ -

“Rick you’re really fucking scaring me… wake up” he rasps.

Silence.

“Rick please- please you can’t fiucking leave me alone- you always said I was no g-good on my own p-please!’ his voice cracks in longing.

But so little had come from Cliff Booth’s prayers over the years. This was no exception.

Rick Dalton was gone.

Cliff isn’t sure how long he sits and stares.

His mind is blank, as the morning crawls by and birds start to sing and the sun creeps into the room; Cliff sits like a sentinel by Rick’s side simply staring.As the first streaks of sunlight hit the actor’s face a choked off sob leaves Cliff.

Then another, and another and soon his face is awash with tears as heavy broken moans pour out of him each one feels like it's ripping at his soul and taking any goodness that Rick had put there; but no amount of tears or begging and pleading that can make the dead alive again or a broken heart whole again.

Cliff isn’t ready- isn’t ready to break the illusion- his heart is in a vice. It’s hard to breath. He curls around his partner one last time; as he thinks to the previous night… It now felt like lifetimes away. They had kissed each other goodnight. Rick had fallen asleep on his chest, always eager for closeness and warmth.

He recalled, only a few nights ago, Rick had been nuzzled into his chest as Cliff smoked a cigarette

“ Those t-t-hings will kill ya” his muffled voice managed from where he was.

Cliff laughed “ high and mighty coming from you Rick”

Rick snorted and nuzzled in more “s-sing me a song Cliff””

Cliff rolled his eyes Rick loved it when the other man sang- said he sounded like a rock star “you flatter me too much, it’s gonna go to my head.”

“It’s the t-truth.”

Cliff hums “ what did you wanna hear partner?”

“S-sing me something special.”

Cliff grins how about this one from my youth?” he hummed  _ “come over to the window my little darling” _

Rick smiled against Cliff's neck… he knew this song. Cliff joked it was from his rebellious jaunt in Canada- “they don't want me up there, im trouble.”

The actor huffed

“ _ I used to think I was some kind of gypsy boy- before I let you take me home” _ Cliff drawled

“You were p-pratically feral.”

“Mmm it's part of my charm- it won you over.”

“On yeah?”

Cliff turned nipping lightly at Rick neck “yeah”

“S-sing me more.’

Cliffs low timbre sang Rick to sleep “ _ oh so long marianne, it's time that we began to laugh and cry and cry about it all again.” _

Xxxxx

Richard Fitgerald Dalton was buried on a wednesday. Hump day- Cliff had often joked grabbing handfuls of the desired derriere and giving a teasing growl

_ “Let's put the HUMP in hump day partner” Cliff would purr _

_ Rick would turn the fire truck red, throw a fit and squat Cliff away. _

Cliff smiled tightly at the memory .

“I always thought his middle name was  **Fucking** ” Jay sebring muttered beside him.

Cliff was sandwiched between him and Sharon Tate under flimsy umbrellas. Of course it was raining- Rick hated the rain.

At this comment, the heavy gloom was abruptly broken and a choked laugh leaked past Cliff’s lips-Sharon giggled and shoved Jay lightly through Cliff

The vice grip eased momentarily.

Sharon was linked on his left arm,Jay his right. Both refused to let go- He would never admit how he needed it.

Cliff would fall to pieces.

A fair crowd had come to see the tv cowboy come movie star off.Some would go home and later wonder why s nobody like Cliff Booth was shoved in with the somebodys like Jay and Sharon...but then they would forget and Rick would be a footnote in a few years.

That didn't make it any less real- tears now ran down Cliff’s cheeks without shame- his world was ending one second at a time as he watched Rick’s casket lowered into the ground and he felt like his heart was being buried too.

He was the first to put shovel dirt into the grave- Sharon and Jay waited as he shared a word with his partner and then protecting him like a child- the actress wrapped her hand in his and jay pulled him into a tight hug as they left the graveyard.

Cliff was silent.

Rick Dalton had left him alone and with no way to follow.

Xxxx

Jay and Sharon wouldn’t leave him alone.

Several years ago, Cliff would have laughed it all off and said he didn’t need nothing from nobody; he was a man, not a pussy. Men didn’t need shit from people.

God he was such a fucking chump back then.

Now-the last thing he wanted was to be alone… He didn’t dare go home and see Rick everywhere...without Rick there was no home.

Cliff had spent years telling himself that he didn’t need love, that some people were not built for lovin that way. That was before he met Rick….

Before he met Rick he belonged nowhere and to no one- not even when he was married to Billie- enter Rick Dalton- and Cliff had only ever wanted to be with him, to fill that void with love for the other man... and he did and Rick did the same for him.

Now that he was gone, the void was ripped open anew. Cliff didn’t know how to close it this time.

As they drove up to the house Jay didn't stop driving directly to his and Sharon’s “

“Uh Jay?”

“You're staying with us for a while” Jay managed barely glancing at him in the mirror “Sharon and I discussed it we’re not gonna leave you alone Cliff.”

Old Cliff. Rough and tumble wolf Cliff- Cliff that needed no one would have snarled and demanded to go home. Now Cliff sagged in relief at that thought that he could let his guard down- that people cared where he ended up and that he didn’t sleep in a ditch.

That night Cliff would not be able to remember for many months as he, Sharon and Jay just got ridiculously and flat out drunk.

Cliff hadn’t been drunk like that in years, he couldn’t keep up like he used to; but Jay was the first one to start hiccuping his face bearing a high blush on his cheeks. He had Sharon’s head in his lap as he gently caressed her hair and whispered secrets to her. Sharon giggled.

Cliff sat as their heels while Sharon’s hand laced with his. She never said a word but Cliff suspected she knew more than she let on.She knew she was his tether back to the real world.

That night they had truly toasted Rick Dalton and had a good old fashion drunk/ irish wake so deep in booze that Cliff was certain Rick tasted it; so many stories- happy ones, silly ones, ones of triumphs and failures when Rick had cracked them up or showed his large heart.

Cliff laughed and cried and hiccuped which got the others going. Brandy and wine and beer and cigarettes and repeat. On and on and on.

“H-hey” Jay managed as they sat on the back porch as the sun started to peak over the beautiful city of Los Angeles; to the rest of millions of people down there it was another day for Cliff it was starting over against his will- it was a brand new day without Rick Dalton.

Cliff glanced over, Sharon had fallen asleep against his shoulder Jay sitting crossed legged by her the stuntman glanced blearily “I’m no expert in this stuff but I do know one thing for sure… he loved you, loved you like only two people can- never forget that.”

Cliff was silent as he took a puff on a cigarette and watched the orange haze paint everything and bring it to life.

He committed it to memory - he wanted to forget things in years to come...but this, that moment with Jay and Sharon was not one of them

Xxxx

Sharon should have known. Known that it was too much to expect Cliff to stay.

She sighed into her tea as she and Jay signed as partial owners of RIck’s estate. Rick had never looked back- he had left every scrap every stitch to Cliff. He would never need for anything ever again except for Rick himself…

“I don't know about this Cliff…”

“Sharon sweetie it’s Cliff’s decision.”

“Yes but-” Cliff tether returned worried and looked at Cliff across the table. They seemed to say  _ you're not coming back are you? _

“I'll come back eventually- I just cant be here right now… it’s too painful.. I-I need someone to take care of mine and Rick’s affects- you are the only ones I trust.’

Jay frowned “are they sniffing around the house already?” he shook his head “they are carnivores I swear…”

Cliff nodded “they either wanna sell to some rich kid or turn it into a tourist trap… I can't allow that Rick would-” his voice becomes gravel like.

“Cliff where are you going to go?” Sharon interrupts.

“Wherever they’ll take me.” It is vague, and while Cliff is never rude out front he makes the sentiment clear- he didn’t want them to know.

“We’ll take care of everything Cliff. We’ll still be here when you come back” Jay managed he shook the other man’s hand in a firm handshake “ be safe”

“I try”

Xxxx

Cliff didn’t tell them when he was leaving- so packing up like a thief in the night he threw everything in Rick’s old car, with only the essentials- Brandy’s puppy pictures, clothes, money. Couple bottle of booze and cigarettes couple of Ricks old shirts and jackets he treasured and old polaroid pictures and the most valued object at all…

He sighed as he placed the big gaudy lion ring on a chain and put it on. 

Cliff gave it a gentle kiss.  _ Here we go darling. _

As he got in the car a voice called out from the dark “ thought you were leaving without a proper goodbye did you Cliff Booth?”

  
  


Cliff froze- that soft, gentle voice he knew anywhere- pressed to the neighbours gate was Sharon Tate staring at him.

“Hi sweetie” she whispered

“ Sharon…”

“ Thought you were just gonna sneak off like a beaten dog and not even say goodbye?”

Cliff winced, he deserved that “how did-?”

“Oh come on Cliff. I’ve known you long enough, I know you- you don’t wanna worry us but I’m sorry to disappoint you.... We care about you- we’re gonna worry.”

He can’t meet her gaze. “Sharon don’t make it harder then it has to be-”

“I could say the same to you.” 

Cliff snorts. “You were always the best of all of us,”

Sharon's smile turns sad “ just promise me you’ll be back.”

Cliff is quiet- “stray dogs always wander away but eventually they come back to the thing that was a home darlin’ ...one day...you just gotta be patient,”

Sharon is quiet “goodbye Cliff, stay safe.”

Xxxxxx

January, 02, 2000

Sharon and Jay had not heard from Cliff in a while, every couple of months they received a postcard sometimes a small gift, a picture of a new hairstyle for Jay, a pair of earring for Dharon- and always a small note-  _ wishing you well from wherever- Cliff Booth _

They received postcards from everywhere- Texas, Maine, Ontario, New Mexico, countries as. far as Peru, New Zealand, Russia and Ireland.

All were short, most expressed he missed them and there was never a return address so that they could never track him.

And so days passed into weeks and into months- and before they knew it a year had passed, then another- Jay and Sharon rang in the new year and the start of a new century with a few close friends as some people waited with baited breath to see if the world would collapse.

It didn’t of course- and soon life was back to normal, everyone was still riding the dizzying high of optimistic new year; Jay and Sharon were enjoying a lazy day in the house and Jay was making tea for the pair; when he happened to look out the window. Through it he could barely catch his neighbors in either direction but he could see enough of Rick’s old place he could see the lights were on….

“Sharon honey?” he called

“Yes Jay?”

“You better come look at this.”

Xxxx

“Jay you’re not going down there by yourself-”

“Honey I’m not putting you in danger we don’t know what yahoo could be down there-. Just be ready to call the cops okay?”

Sharon nodded as she followed the other man to their gate, eyes glued to Dalton’s place. Jay hesitated then gave a tentative knock on the door. If someone broke in would they respond?

Jay took a step backwards as he knocked again. He could hear someone moving inside.

“Cliff- that you?” Jay managed he didn’t expect an answer and desperately wished that he brought some sort of weapon- when the door began to open.

A person emerged from the dark house Jay and Sharon both tensed- 

“Is that how you greet an old friend?” a familiar timbre growled out.

Jay was overjoyed, he flung himself at Cliff wrapping him in a big hug with Sharon not far behind

“Easy, easy you two wow- I should go away more often if this is the return.”

“Cliff?” Sharon managed.

“Yeah?”

“Shut up” she said with a big smile.

Xxx

It was almost as before when he left, that night Cliff Invited them in- his things were still thrown haphazardly all over the house and on his couch sat a new friend. Two blue eyes follow Jay and Sharon as they came in from a very wolf like face.

Cliff whistled and the dog bounded over “Hudson this is Jay and Sharon” the dog investigated them thoroughly sniffing and vetting whether they were safe to be around before giving a snuff of approval and padding back to the couch.

“Hudson?”

:”Yeah- after someone like me Rock Hudson”

Jay laughed and Sharon was quick to lace her hands in his like before, as they sat for a late night drink “let me get a good look at you” Sharon purred as she drank in Cliff Booth’s features; time it seemed had caught up some, his hair was streaked in silver strands, the lines around his mouth and eyes more firmly set, yet his eyes sparkled with the same mischievous myrth- a sadness lingered there.

For a moment all three sat in silence, each not wanting to break the peace the false illusion of happiness.

“Thanks for holding down the fort you two, I appreciate it.”

“Least we can do- Sharon deals with the inside I deal with the outside.”

“Jay’s been tending to the garden making sure all Rick’s favourites are planted.”

Jay nods listing them off on his fingers “Mariposa Lily, Tidy tips, morning glories, and California poppies.”

Cliff’s smile falters “I’m sure they’re beautiful, you can show me in the morning.”

Silence falls over the room, heavy and foreboding “ did ya just get here tonight?”

Cliff nods “we pulled in late last night- slept all day.”

Silence.

Sharon’s grip tightens in this silence, there’s so much to be said but all she manages is “When are you leaving again?”

Cliff’s smile tightens “I’m not going anywhere anymore, if I can help it- “ It doesn’t seem 100% but it seems more than a blunt no.

Sharon’s hand tangles with his and he squeezes back.

At least for a time- she could pretend things could be normal.

Xxxxx

Cliff touched tender flower petals, a sea of golds,creams and oranges adorned the front of the house.

“They’re beautiful”

“I hoped you would like them- we thought you might like an area to come and relax in…”

Cliff nods he knows what they're doing- they're handling him with kid gloves afraid he’ll shatter. Cliff Booth shattered the minute Rick left him.

Now he was just a straw man taped back together- “ thanks Jay”

Rock huffs beside him and Cliff gave the dog an affectionate pat, he lays back and watches as puffy clouds zoom by. It was a beautiful day. Cliff sighs and despite himself he feels himself relax. The warm breeze pulls him into a sense of peace and he finds his eyes drifting close.

_ He remembers- he remembers a time not too long ago.. Both Cliff and Rick despite working in film for so many years they had always loved movies. For Cliff it gave him something to do and for Rick it had filled a void of lonely childhood. _

_ They had both treasured the theatre, and as time had gone by and Rick’s star faded one benefit is that they could go places with fewer eyes on them. The movies became they’re happy place, Rick liked it because it made him feel young again; Cliff liked it for it’s sense of cozy easy comfort and the fact that he could show affection for his partner in the safety of the dark. _

_ Cliff kissed RIck’s lips tenderly as the couple on screen did- his lips were sickly sweet soda pop and the hot lingering taste of buttered popcorn. _

_ Rick moaned “mm fuck Cliff” _

_ “Not in public darling” _

_ Rick smacks him as Cliff cackles _

_ “Hey, hey check out the kid” he points to the screen- where a handsome looking kid with sharp angular features and stunning blue eyes and messy bangs looms on screen- they had picked some film about the large historic ship the Titanic which had turned out to be sweeping romance for the ages. The lead actor seemed to have set the film world on fire and swept young hearts around the world. _

_ “Ya know what?” _

_ “Mm what?” _

_ “This Jack kid looks alot like another handsome actor I knew when he was young.” _

_ Rick snorts and blushes which Cliff can make out in the dark of the theatre- he reaches for his hand and feels the actor lace his fingers in his; they sit like that for the rest of the film. _

_ Xxxx _

Life would zoom by when you weren’t paying attention and time was a fickle mistress- sometimes she was eerily slow and other times in blink not only days but months had gone by. That’s what it felt like to Cliff- he was home. Back in the home he had shared with Rick.

He tried to keep busy, he tended the garden, walked Rock and spent a lot of time with Jay and Sharon. If he’s lucky he exhausts himself enough that he falls right asleep; when he’s unlucky it’s many hours pacing back and forth sometimes walking down the hill and back , sometimes a shot of bourbon. Sometimes his choked off dreams wake him and refuse to let go. A lot of time he awakens with tears in his eyes and sweat on his brow but he is grateful for the life of him he can’t remember why.

One of the hardest days in his life is when he cleans out some Rick’s belongings. They were small things but he moved things around to make the place feel more like his and less like  _ theirs _ . Sharon came by and simply kept him company with Rock on her lap. The more the pile grew the more Cliff felt life was crumbling- old clothing, toiletries some of the posters were put away. 

Eventually Sharon wrapped her arm around his shoulder and brought him in tight- she simply held him “ that’s more than enough sweety take it one step at a time it’s all anyone can ask for.”

Cliff nods allowing her to comfort him. She had become his peace in the absence of others.

Sometimes her words are enough to ease him for the evening- other times- nothing keeps the demons at bay. His mind runs like a runaway train and is relentless, constantly reminding Cliff as he rolls in a far too big and empty bed.

_ Ricks gone _

_ Ricks gone _

_ Ricks gone and nothing you do will ever bring him back. _

_ Rick’s gone and you can’t follow. _

Cliff sighs. He can't sleep- he's restless and aching and nothing will help it. Slowly, against his sore body’s protest he eases himself up and out of sweat soaked sheets his heart heavy.

As he rambles into the brisk evening he finds himself up at Sharon’s house many evenings have led him here - so much so they leave the door open for him so he comes in like some wild animal taking shelter from the storm but the storm only exists in his mind.

Sharon finds him there one evening and she knows that there is hurt there she can never fully understand.

Cliff is staring blindly in front of him, toying with the lion ring that never left his personal being. Cliff didn't seem to see her as she pressed a warm drink into his hands. 

“Darling?” Sharon manages and wraps his hand in hers. He looks up at her and she can see his eyes are full of tears.

“Can’t sleep?”

A stiff head nod.

“I miss him.” Cliff manages Sharon’s hand and tightens she's silent.

“It's been almost 2 years and I still-” Cliff pauses “I still think about him every night before I go to bed and expect him to be there every morning… how pathetic.”

“Darling that is the least pathetic thing- you loved him, It’s normal to miss him no one said you have to forget him.”

Cliff gives her a sad smile “ I- feel empty… I look for him- keep expecting to see him to hear him and when I don’t… it hurts Sharon it hurts so goddamn much it’s like losing him all over again.”

“Cliff-”

“ I don’t think I can do this for what? Days, years? Decades? I don’t know - I know he wants me to be happy- but that’s the problem isn’t it? I don’t think I can be happy without him, he was my reason for being happy.”

A half hearted laugh chokes past his lips and Sharon’s hands tangle more deeply in his “ I’m a fool Sharon Tate.” he manages

“ Why do you say that darling?” she’s running delicate fingers over his scarred knuckles it is a tender touch. He has more scars than before he left, a sign that not all night could be soothed by calming words.Something he had received very little of in the last year- you can fill your life with people but only certain kinds of people can fill your life.

“ For allowing myself to love him- I knew it, I knew it couldn’t end happily for us.”

The tender touch on his hand dropped away so suddenly, Cliff was left gaping at the empty feeling in his hand as he grasped at nothing he looked up startled “Cliff Booth forgive my french but shut up.’ she rasped.

Cliff was dumb founded- Sharon was so delicate and kind he often forgot that powerhouse that lurked beneath- there had to be - she put up with Roman after all.

The stuntman was face to face with that presence right now, eyes blazing in the dark, body tense, in the dark of the kitchen she was only lit by stray moonbeams that illuminated their room, in the cold celestial light he could see maybe the first time in a while how time had changed her too. Still beautiful as ever, but somehow heavier, her form rigid as though she carried the world on her shoulders.

Cliff blinked.

“I always thought you were smarter than that Cliff.” she managed.

“ Then what darling?”

“That you, above everyone else would know what love looked like- that you would know what happiness was.”

“Sharon-”

“No Cliff, I’m not gonna let you sit here and tell me that all those years were nothing- you’re not fooling anyone but yourself- I get it that you’re hurting but don’t you dare disrespect Rick’s memory like that.” The last sentence fell from her lips with an edge of anger that made Cliff flinch.

  
  


“Sharon I-”

“He loved you- loves you still and you love him. You had so many years together- we always want more time with the people we love but everything- good and bad comes to an end one day Cliff that doesn't mean that all those good things were for nothing.”

Cliff is silent, he hates that choking rasp in his throat, he hates that more than a year on these nights come and he cant breath, can’t think he doesn't want anyone to see him like this- but then.. Then there’s Sharon and Jay that haven't given up on him, they’ve waited for the lone wolf to come to his senses and come home. They knew deep down that Cliff needed them like they needed him.

“Hey- I wanna show you something” Sharon whispered “give me a minute-” she disappeared into the dark of their home when she returned with several photo albums - she refilled his tea and sat by his side. “Here take a look.” She opened one of the albums and flipped several pages.

Cliff blinked.

“Do you remember?”

Cliff felt his breath hitch as he stared at the picture. It was from 1974… he remembered because that was- 

“ The Eagles concert” he whispered

She nodded with a sad smile “ yeah you remember? You Rick , Jay and I.”

Cliff couldn't pull his eyes away- they had gone as a group all of them had been fans of the music, Rick and Cliff had both been enamoured by the album Desperado that came out the year prior.

So when the band had come back to town all four of them rushed out to see them- Sharon had documented it all, their tickets, there were pictures of the 4 of them, arms around one another- Cliff remembered it very well cause it was one time Rick was grateful to not be recognized- he was free.

Cliff remembered how happy he was that night- how carefree he was, as he looked at those younger smiling faces- pictures of Jay with his arm wrapped around Sharon and the boys- and Cliff didn’t remember this but one picture was Cliff kissing Rick on the cheek; they both clearly felt brave- another with Rick leaning his head on Cliff’s shoulder. A vague memory of the actor muttering sweet nothings in his ear as Desperado played surfaced in his memory. Rick’s hot breath in his ear, his arm wrapped around the stuntman as the lyrics to the song  _ “you better let somebody love you before it’s too late.” _

He wiped away his brimming tears. He had forgotten.

Cliff absently stroked the pictures- these ghosts he had forgotten showed that not all memories were bad.

“Sharon I-”

“He’s still with you- he’ll never leave you as long as you let him. Look at those faces and tell me what you see?”

Cliff sniffles “I see love.”

Sharon nods “ he’ll live in you as long as you keep his memory alive- the people we love never leave. We’ll be here for you too.”

Cliff nods, wrapping his hands in hers “ thank you, thank you.” Cliff couldn’t pull his gaze away- he spent the rest of the night looking at pictures- Sharon pointed out memories happy, silly, peaceful - they laughed they cried; at some point Jay joined them and they told stories again like they had the evening of Rick’s funeral. for the first time in a long time the hole in Cliff’s heart sealed a bit.

Xxxxx

May, 2004

Cliff can’t pull his eyes away from the screen.

He can’t believe the small ticker tape running at the bottom of the screen **_: first same sex marriage occuring in Masschusetts- Marcia kadish and Tanya Mcklsokey._ **

“How are we feeling today Mr. Booth?”

Cliff looked up as another woman entered the room “Hello Doris, beautiful as always.”

The women gave a half hearted smile “ and you charming as ever Mr. Booth. How are you feeling today?”

“Kinda nauseous, a little stiff but can't complain.”

“You never do Cliff.”

Cliff hums “ did you see the news? Maschusetts allowed two same sex folks to finally get hitched.”

Doris gave him a small genuine smile “ I saw yes- times are a changin can you believe it? I mean 10 years ago I don’t think they would believe this day would ever come- I can only imagine what they would feel like. Here you go Mr. Booth I’ve got your medicine, and just to remind you that Sharon and Jay are coming by today,”

Cliff grinned “well hey now that's the best news I’ve heard all day.”

“Well Cliff why don’t you take your medication and I'll wake you when they get here.”

“Knew I could count on you Doris- I’m just gonna rest my eyes for a bit. “

As Doris left Cliff watched the world go by his window- it was a beautiful day puffy clouds sailed by in a clear blue sky. He felt his body growing heavy with sleep- he was so tired these days.

As his eyes grew heavy he felt a pang in his heart- one of many over the years- as he read the ticker again...his mind wandered for a second he got a vision of another time, another life where they would marry in a beautiful chapel of wood and glass on the coast, that opened up to the wide open sky.Rick was still here with him; he saw them holding hands, looking lovingly into each others eyes and speaking the words they had always known in their hearts aloud. Rick would look handsome as ever, and Cliff would be more than happy to put the band of gold on the nervous actor’s finger.

He imagined Rick would be a mess, holding back his tears,- older but still handsome as hell, his smile lighting Cliff up from the inside. Noone would tell them they couldn’t - they wouldn't have to hide and Cliff could hold his hand in public, give him a kiss to tease him, dance with him, laugh and cry with him in front of others…..

But it wasn’t meant to be...time was not their friend.

Cliff drifted off to sleep a sad smile on his lips and dreams of what could have been.

Xxxx

When he opens his eyes again, he's surprised and pleased to see Jay and Sharon by his side.

“Hey guys” he managed sleepily “ what’s up?”

Jay laughed, the same bright smile as always- his hair now grey and bare in place- much to shri grin - but still “ what’s up with you Cliff?” he asked 

Cliff shrugged “ It’s alright I guess. Doris takes great care of me.”

Sharon gives him a small smile, she reaches out and gently strokes his face, he leans into the touch. It’s gentle and caring as it had remained after all these years.

“Look who we brought for you” Jay whistled and out of nowhere a big mound of fur jumped up and curls on the edge of the bed 

“Rock! Who’s a good boy?!” The dogs leapt lapping at the stuntman tail wagging eagerly before curling up on the edge of the bed. 

“Doris gave us the okay so we can bring Rock by with us,” Jay managed

“You two have always been too good to ol’ wolf like me.” Cliff purrs he silent for a minute then manages “ I know you’ll take good care of him.”

Jay and Sharon both look aghast “ Cliff-”

Cliff shakes his head cutting his off “Hey, hey it’s okay…”

Sharon’s hand tightens and worry paints her features “Cliff you can’t talk like that the doctor-”

“-The doctor is doing his damn best but I don’t think things are gonna tilt my way this way darling.” the stuntman manages gently

Sharon is quiet.

They both are; Cliff sees the two of them share sad glances as Jay’s hand finds hers and he comforts her.

“ Hey you two lovebirds I’m not gone yet, quit looking at me like that.” the other man jokes.

“Cliff we-”

“-hey” Cliff manages “ There’s nothing on god's green earth you two have to be sorry for, you are the only other reason I’m still here… I should be saying thank you while I can.’

Jay looks away teary eyed, silent . “Cliff come on.”

“ Hey, hey can I be honest with you two?”

They both nod.

“The truth of it is, yeah I’m kinda scared, but at the same time… I’m tired.. I’m so fucking tired- tired of fighting, tired of trying and I just really want to relax. Let go… and see where it takes me.”

There are tears in Sharon’s eyes she swallows but is quiet.

Jay laughs “ that’s my Cliff, zen even in the face of- of all this”

Cliff let out a small chuckle “I try.”

They lapse into silence the only noise Rock’s panting, as Cliff instructs Jay on how to put on music and Sharon puts out a few framed pictures on Cliff’s bedside. Framed picture of Rock, a group picture of Jay and Sharon Cliff and Rick laughing at some unknown joke and 

Cliff gasped a little - the picture of them at the Eagles concert.

Their happiness is frozen in time.

“Thank you Sharon- they’re beautiful.”

Sharon nods a small sad smile as the music fills the room- it’s a mix of Cliff’s favourite songs.

The group sits there listening in silence. As the familiar thrum of a Cohen song fills the room.

Cliff hums in contentment he close his eyes losts in the slow thrumming croon

_ Well, you know that I love to live with you _

_ But you make me forget so very much _

_ I forget to pray for the angels _

_ And then the angels forget to pray for us… _

Cliff smiles to himself “do you know what I said to Rick the night he left us?”

Sharon and Jay shake their heads no…

“ I told him to wait for me…”

“Cliff sweetie…”

“I think I’ve left him waiting long enough don't you?” the stuntman asks the room.

The couple is silent.There’s nothing to be said. Cliff nods and purrs in agreement. Sharon finally cuts the silence saying they should let him rest, she kisses him goodbye and Jay wraps him in a hard embrace while Rock gives him a big sloppy doggy kiss.

Cliff waves them off , and tired again he feels himself start to drift off. As his eyes close he turns to the pictures on his bedside. He takes time on each picture, a smile on his lips- life was truly not that bad. His gaze lingers on that last picture of him and Rick.

_ I’ll be there soon darling, wait for me… I love you. _

Cliff sighs at the picture of Rick the last thing he sees.

**Author's Note:**

> if you're in the know you know I'm on the tumble--> life- on- the- geek-side
> 
> looking to get all mushy in music? totally check our leonard cohen


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